my lil girl

Tonight I went to my future brother-in-law’s surprise birthday party and I ended up being surprised. Of course my “brother to be” wasn’t surprised at all but what always catches my attention is my four year old niece. In a room full of adults she shies behind my brother as I try to get her to come over to me especially when she hasn’t seen me in over a month. As the jitters flee from her she sets her eyes on me and says ” your favorite color is green just like me,” then she hugs me with a squeeze that dismantles any masculine facade I try to put up. Surrounded by my peers as well as family discussing topics I would love to partake in, I am entranced by this three foot little angel.

Now I constantly try to get her to smile for a photo or do some sort of trivial task but her stubborn ways lead her to follow whatever path she so wishes. She always grabs my phone or any phone and begins looking for angry birds. Insisting that she knows how to work a phone I watch patiently as the frustration is displayed through her cute grunts. I do attempt to lead her or show her how but she insists she knows what she is doing. Moments later I hear “uncle Brad can you do dis for me.” I say “of course,” and as easily as her little arms wrap around mine I download angry birds onto my phone. Countless times I pursue her attention. A few years ago I started asking her if she would dance with me when music came on and she would flee. But one day as I was leaving for tour there was an unguarded instant where I was interrupted as she ran up to me reaching up pleading “don’t you wanna dance wit me?” Right then I swear I felt GOD trace over my words as I responded “of course I do.” I picked up that little girl I so desperately tried to woo through many hugs in addition to the times of looking stupid crawling around on the floor like a monkey and danced until she had her fill.

At the age of four now she now goes in search for someone to play with her and be a four year old. When she is in sight I can’t help but run up around her and get down on her level pretending I’m a robot or a green martian. It looks ridiculous seeing a twenty four year old acting like E.T. for the sake of interacting with a child but I can’t help it. I love my niece with a fierce love that doesn’t think twice about looking stupid. I’m after her joy! When she runs into the street I run after and pull her violently into safety’s reach. I guess I’m saying I get more of a spiritual experience from bonding with this child than I do from worship bands at church. GOD somehow trips every wire I set through this niece of mine. I get a clearer picture of his burning love for me as I revel in this “uncle’s” love for my niece. The times I felt like I ran too high a tab on grace, or the nights I cry in frustration this GOD’s pursuit of me is volumes stronger than anything I could feel. As a young adult I’m slowly choking down this pill called grace that doesn’t require me to measure up in some way. For years I’ve struggled to earn my way and be a good boy and when life knocks me over I ask GOD “why?” Was I not good enough? Maybe I should have done this or pray for an hour every day? In a way I seek to put GOD in my debt as if he owes me. This thinking is completely derailed when I interact with my niece. It would crush me if she thought she had to be a good or even decent dancer before I would pick her up and love on her. Theres no way I could live with myself if I operated on this system of her proving herself to me before I grant her love. Just as I chase her around the yard thinking of what I need to do tomorrow, I easily catch her and spin her until she is drunk with laughter. Then she begins to run after me and never catches her uncle but moments later she falls down and sighs “oh uncle Brad you are so silly” and right then she captures my heart and I can’t help but come undone as I fall into the grass with her with tears down my face. In ways she can’t see her uncle is silly, trying to pay for the grace that awaits him more eagerly than he awaits his niece’s smile… I want to capture GOD’s heart too.

-Brad