Abandon Kansas

my lil girl

         Tonight I went to my future brother-in-law’s surprise birthday party and I ended up being surprised. Of course my “brother to be” wasn’t surprised at all but what always catches my attention is my four year old niece. In a room full of adults she shies behind my brother as I try to get her to come over to me especially when she hasn’t seen me in over a month. As the jitters flee from her she sets her eyes on me and says ” your favorite color is green just like me,” then she hugs me with a squeeze that dismantles any masculine facade I try to put up. Surrounded by my peers as well as family discussing topics I would love to partake in, I am entranced by this three foot little angel. 

          Now I constantly try to get her to smile for a photo or do some sort of trivial task but her stubborn ways lead her to follow whatever path she so wishes. She always grabs my phone or any phone and begins looking for angry birds. Insisting that she knows how to work a phone I watch patiently as the frustration is displayed through her cute grunts. I  do attempt to lead her or show her how but she insists she knows what she is doing. Moments later I hear “uncle Brad can you do dis for me.” I say “of course,” and as easily as her little arms wrap around mine I download angry birds onto my phone. Countless times I pursue her attention. A few years ago I started asking her if she would dance with me when music came on and she would flee. But one day as I was leaving for tour there was an unguarded instant where I was interrupted  as she ran up to me reaching up pleading “don’t you wanna dance wit me?” Right then I swear I felt GOD trace over my words as I responded “of course I do.” I picked up that little girl I so desperately tried to woo through many hugs in addition to the times of looking stupid crawling around on the floor like a monkey and danced until she had her fill. 

         At the age of four now she now goes in search for someone to play with her and be a four year old. When she is in sight I can’t help but run up around her and get down on her level pretending I’m a robot or a green martian. It looks ridiculous seeing a twenty four year old acting like E.T. for the sake of interacting with a child but I can’t help it. I love my niece with a fierce love that doesn’t think twice about looking stupid. I’m after her joy! When she runs into the street I run after and pull her violently into safety’s reach. I guess I’m saying I get more of a spiritual experience from bonding with this child than I do from  worship bands at church. GOD somehow trips every wire I set through this niece of mine. I get a clearer picture of his burning love for me as I revel in this “uncle’s” love for my niece. The times I felt like I ran too high a tab on grace, or the nights I cry in frustration this GOD’s pursuit of me is volumes stronger than anything I could feel. As a young adult I’m slowly choking down this pill called grace that doesn’t require me to measure up in some way. For years I’ve struggled to earn my way and be a good boy and when life knocks me over I ask GOD “why?” Was I not good enough? Maybe I should have done this or pray for an hour every day? In a way I seek to put GOD in my debt as if he owes me. This thinking is completely derailed when I interact with my niece. It would crush me if she thought she had to be a good or even decent dancer before I would pick her up and love on her. Theres no way I could live with myself if I operated on this system of her proving herself to me before I grant her love. Just as I chase her around the yard thinking of what I need to do tomorrow, I easily catch her and spin her until she is drunk with laughter. Then she begins to run after me and never catches her uncle but moments later she falls down and sighs “oh uncle Brad you are so silly” and right then she captures my heart and I can’t help but come undone as I fall into the grass with her with tears down my face. In ways she can’t see her uncle is silly, trying to pay for the grace that awaits him more eagerly than he awaits his niece’s smile… I want to capture GOD’s heart too. 

-Brad

just a thought

      What kind of roles are we suppose to play as artists? This question stares at me everyday and is magnified when my mind lays idle. Perhaps its the time I have on the road when I examine my motives that I begin to hurl punches at myself. When I step into normal life of routines held together by deadlines back at home, my mind doesn’t have much time to wander so far where I beat myself up for the things I’ve left undone. Was I not as “out going” as I should have been? Did I over look unspoken moments where GOD could have used me? Do I dismiss times where nobody would see me serve another in love for a moment where someone can praise me? 

      A struggle is always present to seek the approval other people. To be honest, I want people to like our music as well as me. Moreover, l seek the approval of my parents, my girlfriend, as well as other bands. But I believe this is a dangerous place to be where you make the approval of others an idol. What does it look like for an artist to live out the Christian faith without seeking the praise of anyone else? I heard on the radio the other day some guy saying he love Switchfoot but was not a fan and actually thought less of them when he saw their show because they did not preach from the stage. The dude on the air handled the man’s comments well when he asked the caller if he stood up everyday at work and preached to this co-workers the same way he expected Switchfoot to. Of course the man was dumbfounded in his reply but I wonder if that is what people expect of us? Will they quickly write us off because we don’t tell people they are going to hell unless the give their life to GOD? Is it expected of us to walk into a venue and engage every single person in the room and share a “word” with them? For me I would say that I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Particularly in the metal genre, I hear bands preach and rarely agree what they actually say. All passionate/tough genre aside, I think it does more harm than good sometimes. But I also think that goes for anyone who “preaches.” To be clear I simply disagree with any statement that suggests that YOU need to do something in your life in order for GOD to work or save you. Its not that I’m opposed to sharing a “word,” I just respect those who dive into the scriptures as much as I do with music and don’t want a motivational speech that I deliver to be the vehicle for GOD to work. We believe GOD made us to create and express through art. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, but when it comes to the literacy of the heart, mind, and soul there are no limits.  Instead of banking on a ten minute speech from the stage, what if GOD calls some artists to lead by example through every individual interaction?

-Brad

Crawling Back

So far this April run for us has been really fun on the road. When I sit and think about it I have to make a conscious effort to check myself and remember to count my blessings. Though the  contrast of being a substitute teacher vs. touring musician is heightened while on tour, I have to drag myself back to the reality that GOD has called us to be a human as well as “children of light.” We are four different guys who choose to go wherever music takes us and so far it has been a blast. Yet at the same time it is always a challenge juggling life on the road along with the relationships back at home. 

         It is very easy for me take the blame for whatever troubles go on in my life. I’m a worrier but I’m coming to grips that theres so much I could never be in control of. The standards I create in my head are levels I should never even try to live up to nor project upon others around me to live up to.  If I wrapped my identity around Abandon Kansas then I make that my idol and when things don’t go well I fail. If my identity is found in being the most creative guitar player then I have failed and will always fail. The result of failing creates stress in which I end up searching for transcendence or an escape from the stress. When I make anything else my idol I begin to retreat to the back of my mind playing out scenarios of what I could have done better and thus beat myself up relentlessly to the point where I’m frozen in fear and strapped by guilt. Personally, I’m more prone to find my purpose in being the best son, boyfriend, and brother to my six siblings. My failures in those areas outweigh the good I’ve done I’m sure but when I make my family the top priority in life then every other family becomes trivial. The value of every person in my life grows less and less. It seems harsh but its true. It is so easy to make my happiness contingent upon my family’s happiness. When on tour, its a battle to crawl back from finding my identity in Abandon Kansas, from being the best brother as well as boyfriend. To crawl back to finding my place in the gospel because the more I carry on in this body the more I find what I lack. In the gospel we don’t have to prove anything. We stand passive as GOD’s grace swallows us along with all the worldly standards that have been placed in our heads. My band can’t save me, and  any career I strive for cannot die for my sins. Every single day I have to drill it through my head and heart that my identity is found in what Christ has done for me. That GOD is after my joy and not checking in to see how good of a brother or son I’ve been but is constantly pursuing my heart. 

-Brad

What makes it timeless?

For some reason I would rather seek to write timeless songs rather than fashionable songs. For a while now I’ve tried to understand what it is that makes people react when they hear a great song? Or even wonder what makes a great song? I know music is subjective but what variables does one need to create a great song? For a lot of bands the answer seems to be to ride the wave of what is fashionable. The problem with fashion is that it soon falls out of style and is forgotten or thought less of. With this in mind, I wonder what sort of wake genres today will leave behind for future music listeners. Will people react the same way to “Tik Tok” the same way people still react to a classic such as “Billie Jean?” I can’t help but wonder will our band fall to wayside or are we capable of creating a handful of timeless tunes? Tunes that people can tell we believe what we are actually singing and playing. When I hear Bruce Springsteen’s “Badlands” I can’t help but believe that he actually means what he is singing. I cannot say that Katy Perry’s songs do the same for me. 

Perhaps this sounds odd but I don’t want to serve up emotionally hollow songs. Songs where parts are not written just to fit whether they are melodies or guitar parts. I want to push and be unpredictable when it comes to making music. For example the way a t.v. show like  “Breaking Bad” can excite you seems petty compared to getting scraped climbing up a mountain with your friends in the middle of Wyoming with your shirt off. Or even how low the level of affections are stirred while watching “Lifetime” seems silly compared to the way you cry when you watch loved ones get married or smell the scent of a newborn baby’s head. Can we write songs that come from deep within us that tear into people? I sure would like to. At the same time I wonder is it wrong to want to be more than just an ok band or to not want to go down as a nice band? Personally I believe God (our creator) wants us to be creative. In Genesis 1:28 God says “replenish the earth, and subdue it.” In other words, go into the world and create culture! Become artists, poets, writers and such. Perhaps it is better to be a wide-eyed dreamer caught under the spell of artistry than the ones casting it. Regardless, I find myself running backwards for musical inspiration by diving into the artists that my favorite bands listened to. 

- Brad

Here’s a list of things you could do to help us out if you’ve been wondering how to get involved… A lot of times people want to help bands out, they just don’t know how to do it. I couldn’t count the number of times a sweet gal has brought us 4 dozen cookies to a show, and as delicious as they are, us four guys just can’t eat them before they go stale. I’m grateful for baked goods, and you don’t have to stop bringing them :) We aren’t health nuts, but the road is already unhealthy enough, so we try to not eat total junk food all the time:

- Fresh fruit (bananas, apples, oranges)

- Almonds, peanuts, granola bars, pop-tarts

- Sun chips, beef jerky, tortilla chips and salsa

- Naked juice, black tea, peppermint tea, throat coat tea

- Gift cards for gas, Chipotle, Buffalo Wild Wings, Subway, or Starbucks

Just to clarify this isn’t a list of “needs” but rather a list of stuff we like, that we would actually eat and put to use, if you’re already planning on bringing something extra. We don’t expect you to bring anything. As always, the best way to help our band is to buy our record and come out to the shows and spend time with us. We are always down for food after the show or coffee before, let’s hang!

“I think King David is really someone to look up to. He messed up, a ton, yet he was known as a man after God’s own heart. He was a great songwriter, and he came to God with this incredible balance of humility and confidence. He looked up to the heavens when he was afraid, convinced that the same God who formed the universe could protect him from anything he would face. He didn’t ask for an escape, just an assurance of aid in time of need. There is tension between me wishing I didn’t have to leave, but refusing to stay, and there is tension between heaven coming my way and me being taken that direction. It’s that dynamic that I think makes our God unlike any other deity. He chases after us and woos us after him. It’s a constant metamorphosis towards a closer and more intimate relationship with our Creator. I keep the image of life as a storm in mind, as beautiful, scary, and unpredictable as a storm is. We have to get through this life before we can rest amongst the stars.”

— Jeremy Spring on Heaven Come My Way.

ART

         Us Kansas boys just recently moved into a house together, primarily to cook up the best batches of music we possibly can. Its kinda weird to stand on your own two feet independent from the the financial net of your parents. Hopefully God will provide as well as enable us to use the gifts and few doses of talent to bless him in addition to help us stand on our own feet. 

         Time and time again I find the need to remind myself of why I play in a band and pursue artist endeavors. Financially speaking, it does not make sense. Yet God speaks volumes to me through stories, visual arts, and music. In a world that essentially runs on a system of getting what you deserve, I’m reminded of that my identity is held by God’s grace. For me art is a fumbling language attempting to describe, or portray the kingdom of God. The living reality of grace where we stand as innocent, desired, and blameless is the message my art as well as my band stumbles to get across. Not only through our music or my illustrations but hopefully through our lives as well. 

        Its crazy how matter cannot be created or destroyed, yet when it comes to aesthetics there seem to be realms that wait to be discovered. Through art we can create a climate where one can drop the baggage of factual reality and portray truth. At the same time I’m finding that you have to risk being uncool. Its in the risk and tension of being uncool that I think all artists find uncomfortable yet driving. Coming from Kansas, we’ve learned pretty fast from numerous people that we weren’t cool.  Though we haven’t had to face the thrown tomatoes I hope we can still be blessed with a platform to create art. 

        Now if you feel inclined to get a taste of some Abandon Kansas art, Jeremy is taking donations for doing cover songs. You can hear your favorite song personalized   by the soothing voice of Jeremy. Also I’ve been rolling around the idea of selling some prints of my drawings and paintings starting with the Ad Astra Per Aspera cover art and The Golden State painting. If interested let me know.

-Brad